I haven't written anything in a while. There are two reasons. The first is that I have been on a mental vacation (meaning I was suffering from writer's block and needed to take time away from my laptop to reorganize my thinking) and the other is that I was feeling overwhelmed by negative thinking and needed an attitude adjustment.
Yesterday I finally emerged from the other side of the dark cloud and feel like I can finally talk about what has gotten me down. Obviously it goes without saying that having to care for someone with Alzheimer's is going to create some negativity but this was much worse than I had previously experienced! I realized that all of the soul-searching and self-realization had scraped away the layers upon layers of emotions, experiences, and memories to get to the core of my emotions, thus leaving me emotionally vulnerable and raw. My mother was doing and saying the same things she had always done but now, suddenly she was pressing all of my buttons and causing huge reactions within me. I was bristling over and sensitive to the very things I was willing to ignore or brush off a few weeks earlier. I was angry over things that shouldn't have bothered me but a small comment would elicit a memory and a resentment, an embarrassment or a frustration from my childhood -- something I would have repressed at the time because I was always the good little girl, the perfect daughter, the well-behaved, well-performing child. My mother and father expected me to be perfect and so I was! I didn't realize the toll it took until just recently. Inside of the perfect facade was a rebellious child just screaming to get out. The other day, Mom said something and without warning it caused an internal revolution. I was so angry, so upset, so uncontrollably miserable I had to walk out of the room to allow my 'grown-up' to take over and steady me. Taking five deep breaths I began to meditate and engaged in an activity, that one thing that I know works well: I focused on the deepest part of my being -- that part of me that is what I consider my core. It is my essence...the 'Me' that has no emotion or memory, the living being that is who I was on the day I was born, the Me that knows nothing of anger, fear, rage, frustration, impatience or happiness, joy, fondness...no positives and no negatives. It is my energetic self. When I reach down and find that part of me I notice something amazing. There is something there even though I feel like I am floating and feeling nothing, I am aware of a feeling that washes over me. It is WONDERFUL! What is it? I call it love. It is pure, simple, and beautiful. It is self-love, other love, universal love, God love. It is now, and it is eternal. It goes hand-in-hand with mindfulness and leads to an inner peace and a certain connectivity with everyone and everything. (Does this sound too New Age, too Old World Hippie WooWoo?) Well all I can say is, "Try it!" It works wonderfully.
I am sitting at my laptop smiling and calm right now. I know that something is bound to happen to set me off again but for now I am in that loving place, that calm connected place. There is nothing better. My mother doesn't realize or notice the changes in my attitude but as I move through the day I am painfully aware of those times when I am short or brusque with her. I am so much happier when I can speak kindly, gently, and patiently. Thank Goodness I have the opportunity to perform this simple exercise that makes so much difference.
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