Sometimes (I almost didn't share this)

We all have dark moments and often experience them by ourselves, alone...never sharing, never, discussing. We find ourselves often judging and delivering our punishment -- sentencing ourselves to hours or even days of guilt.  For those of you who know me, you might have noticed that I try to keep myself positive, happy, and lifted by the things for which I can be grateful.  I try to fill my heart with love, my days with joy, my life with fulfillment.  BUT...Sometimes!    Every once in a while it is just too much.  I wrote this on one of those days. It is not every day, thank Goodness.  I worry and wonder if there are some who are care givers who have more of these days than not.  I want them to find their peace and joy by reaching out to them.  This is painful!  I do not like these dark moments and am grateful that they are not a daily occurrence. 

I invite you to read this even though I wasn't sure I wanted to share this with anyone.  It is difficult to show the world my momentary lapses into negativity, ugliness, anger, darkness.  But then I think to myself if I can do this, if I can tell my story truthfully. then others will understand that we all have bad days and it is okay.  So...(gulp)  here it goes. 

Sometimes

I am alone on an island. 

There is little connection, activity, interaction.  If the world were to end tomorrow and if I were among the few survivors I would not miss the things others take for granted -- a visit to the grocery store, a mall, a superstore.  I would not miss running errands, stopping at the cleaners, getting my hair done, my nails done, a pedicure.  I would not miss nights out going to an outdoor concert, a movie, a romantic unrushed dinner with my sweetheart.  I would not miss the spontaneity that we used to enjoy before...before my life changed, before I became that person, the one who altered her life, sacrificed  her schedule, her desires, her pastimes. 

I would not miss the money that we used to have before, nor would I miss pristine carpet, clean counters, sparkling bathrooms.  I wouldn't miss uninterrupted television programs. I wouldn't miss the long conversations with my husband...our alone time. I wouldn't miss my extra time to do as I pleased or even as I needed to do.

No, I wouldn't miss any of those things because I haven't had those for some time. 

I am alone on an island. 

I am feeling the joy sucked out of me.  I am looking for it, seeking it, beseeching it to return, but it is absent.  Perhaps it is buried by the stress, angst, sorrow.  I am alone even while surrounded by others. My experience is not unique and I know that there is a great deal of similarity in my experience and in my feelings with those who are going through this alone.  Others do not want to talk about it.  I understand.  .  It is taboo to discuss.  Shhhh.  Be silent.  Our thoughts are angry, dark, resentful, jealous, and ugly.

Not always, but SOMETIMES.

Not yesterday and maybe not tomorrow.

But today...TODAY!  How do I deal with today? How do I deal with this moment?

I am alone on an island. 

The tide has come in and I am drowning.  "Please, please throw me a life preserver!" I scream silently.  "Please bring me some respite.  Please understand what I am experiencing, feeling, doing.  Please allow me my inappropriate response, my quick anger, my impatience.  Please do not criticize.  I am trying to do it all, keep it all together, and endure. I am the mother, the child, the servant, the cook, the staff, the expert, and my loved one needs me.

I am The Caregiver and I am alone on an island of sadness, hopelessness, and despair....

SOMETIMES