Grooming for Grandma

It occurred to me today as I was getting ready for my mother's shower hour, (you might recall my description of the horrors of giving my mother a shower these days), that it would be really, really nice to take Mom somewhere for a lovely bath and hygienic pampering.  For me, it is a terrible process that I dread.  This is largely because it is unsafe, and I worry about Mom slipping in the shower even though I use all safety precautions.  Mom is less cooperative and also more intolerant of water temperature, the spray nozzle, and even the toweling off process.  She complains and flails about causing me undue stress as I watch her almost fall, almost hurt herself, almost slip, or upend the shower chair.  I end up sopping wet, with pulled muscles and unable to function for a couple of hours after the ordeal.  Sponge bathing doesn't seem to work that well (perhaps because I don't have a hospital bed, and/or all of the accessories to make the job easier.)

I don't even want to discuss toe-nail clipping!  I begin to shudder at the thought of it.  Some people have stronger dispositions than others.  My parents raised a wuss.  I am beside myself thinking about the grooming I must take over doing for Mom.  So that brings me to my idea.  I have decided that there should be a new business: Granny Grooming.  The name of the service could be anything from a genteel euphemism like 'Senior Spa' to 'Spray 'n Go'  for those more inclined to a more descriptive name.  Regardless of the name , a drive-up senior wash sort of like an automated car wash or a do-it-yourself dog wash that has sprayers, nozzles, super driers, and even a sweet smelling finishing spritz would be most appreciated.  I can see it now; I would drive up with Mom in the car, swipe my debit card, open the car door and deposit Mom on an automated chair that rolls through a warmed spa filled with soapy water.  Then, after an appropriate soak, a light spray, and soapy shampoo, the chair might move on to a rinse room  and then a drying room.  Finally, there could be add-ons of nail clipping, buffing, or moisturizing. 

I like it! Who's in?  Early response will insure the best locations.  Franchises still available.

 

Jury Duty or Jail?

You know how you get things in the mail that require your attention but you just don't have the time to deal with it at that moment; so you stack it on the desk to attend to later?  Well, for me, pretty soon (and much to my dismay) those bits of mail build up to a large stack and I begin to feel overwhelmed.  Yesterday I began to wade through the most pressing of these 'to do's' and whittled down the pile.  I registered for classes, RSVP'd to events, and sent payments that were needed on bills that were almost due.  At the bottom of the pile, I found the piece of mail that came last week.  At the time I remember shaking my head, laughing, and saying to myself, "I have got to write a full explanation on this form; but I don't have time right now."  Today, I finally got around to writing it.  I'd like to add that I have been accused of being irreverent and sarcastic in my writing.  Sarcasm is my form of humor and I don't want the reader to think that I am actually serious...okay?  With that disclaimer, I hope you will enjoy the letter I sent to the Clerk of the Superior Court:

To Clerk of Superior Court:

We received the Jury Summons for my mother last week and my first reaction was laughter.  I had to share this with you since clearly, she will be excused from jury duty; but I felt a NEED to explain further.  Whoever reads this, I hope that you laugh along with me.

My mother is 98 1/2 years old.  I would have to say first and foremost, at that age one would hope that she is not driving!  That alone is enough of a reason not to report for jury duty unless of course there were some sort of transportation that would take her to and from the courthouse.  The fact that there was (in bold numbers) a note of her date of birth on the upper right hand corner of the summons gave me a moment's pause, since there are probably other potential jurors of a certain advanced age being summoned to serve who may not be of sound mind.  Why oh why would these elderly folks be summoned to serve as jurors?

That brings me to my second point: statistics show that approximately one out of every two people in America today who are over the age of 85 years old have Alzheimer's or some other form of dementia.  So I can safely assume that when a summons goes out to an individual over 85, the person is most likely not capable of serving on a jury, nor would we want them to!  My mother is no exception.  She has advanced Alzheimer's. I am caring for her full time; and that brings me to my third point: the stress and frustration, the exhaustion and the mixed emotions of a caregiver providing care for someone with cognitive dysfunction is extremely high.  There are days when I dream of respite...somewhere I could send my mother to give me a break.  Unfortunately, most respite care is not affordable for us right now and so day after day, I must maintain a cheerful disposition in spite of the overwhelmingly sad situation.   

At the risk of sounding a bit irreverent, I began to muse humorously and with an ample amount of sarcasm.  (I have found that humor is a great coping mechanism.)  How tempting it was when I saw this summons to say to myself with a wry smile, "Hmmm...maybe I will drive Mom to jury duty every day and let them babysit her for a week or two. "  Then I had another darkly comical thought.  "If I don't reply on Mom's behalf, I wonder what would happen?  Perhaps they would send someone for her.  Maybe they would cart her off to jail for ignoring her civic duty. "  I could see myself waiving good-bye calling to the Sheriff  "My mother goes to bed at 8 PM.  Oh, and don't forget, she takes her tea with sweetener and a cookie at 3:00!"  That made me laugh out loud and so I want to thank you for indirectly providing a little levity in my otherwise difficult day.  I truly wish I could share this summons with my mother who would have also had a good laugh over the situation if she still had a healthy mind.  (She always found humor in irony.)