Caregiver's Support Group

Caregiver's Support Group

by Jessica Bryan

2017

Moving through time and space, doing what must be done.

Filling the moments of despair with distractions.

Reminding myself that I must engage in self-love to love another.

I know, I know.  But oh how difficult, how seemingly impossible to take the time,

To take away from the things I must do, the care I must give.

With effort I paint a vacant smile that masks the sorrow, the grieving, the pain.

I go, I gather with others. I gaze at them...the strangers who have come together to share.

They are burdened just as I am, but in their own ways.

We are standing on shifting sands,

Custodians of another's soul, as it exists in a failing body of fragility.

We observe without the power to alter the course of what is to be.

We are merely witnessing the steady progression of life.

Just as the sandcastles built along the shore in the blazing midday sun,

Are soon washed away by the pounding waves of the ocean,

We are reminded of the impermanence of the body.

But the sand...the sand that built the fortresses,

It is still there in the vast sea that stretches across the horizon.

It goes on and on and on, beautifully mixed with the living soup of creation.

We sigh, and find solace in this thought, this knowledge.

For it provides us with the strength to carry on.

Strong arms comfort, enveloping each other in understanding,

Without truly knowing.

We speak, we cry, we confide,

Knowing that somehow this will help ease but not remedy.

Too much...TOO MUCH to bear alone,

And so we find meaning,  purpose,  love, and will to continue,

As we group together in support and love.

Franticly Finding Fulfillment

You haven't heard from me in a while. It isn't because I haven't been writing but I have taken a break from writing about my mother and her progressing Alzheimer's.  I had to stop focusing on it and find time to explore other things, to find my happiness and joy.  There is so much to do, so much to experience.  I wake up each morning and dispense with my care giving duties as quickly as possible.  My brain is abuzz with all of the possibilities of the day.  I want to bake something for tea time.  I think about what I will invent...what sweet treat will bring a smile to my mother's face.  This excites me but then I also want to get my other 'have-tos' out of the way so I can write.  I NEED to write.  I breathe to write.  This is my passion, my love, my delight, my fulfillment.  But...   

I try to write about something else.  Yes!  I finish a dark thriller and am pleased with the result considering how distracted I am.  I write something quick and humorous.  It's alright, not brilliant.  I share deep thoughts that seem sad and unfocused.  I look deep within my psyche and explore my motivations.  They ARE sad and unfocused!  Oh!  It's excusable of course.  Just look at our world! What a mess.  The news is filled with ugliness.  People are in crisis, wars continue, stress and worry is rampant.  There are riots, murders, disasters.  I am being dragged into the darkness and sinking into its angry depths.

I try to claw my way out but there are a hundred interruptions.  I am never far from my mother's side.  I do not let the housework and business affairs deter me from my course.  The time is precious.  Each minute must not be wasted.  I am working, busy, frenzied with one eye on every motion, every expression on my mother's face.  Without realizing it the day is half over and I have only managed to write a few sentences while the sweet treat remains as notes on a scrap of paper by my mixer.  I am playing a game of Beat the Clock knowing full-well that my goals are unrealistic.  By the time the lunch dishes are washed and put away it strikes me that I am too tired to bake something.  I take a break intended to last just a few minutes but becomes an hour of listless time-wasting.  I watch a travel log with my mother and know that I will never get done.  

Lost hours, days, months.  Oh how precious time can be!

I shrug and engage in inner dialogue.  These days are the days to devote to other things, to moments that create memories.  Okay then.  How to do that and maintain some balance, some joy, some personal fulfillment?  I make a mental list: take 15 minutes of quality time with Mom.  Write down 5 happy thoughts...life affirming thoughts.  Do something productive that I have put off, like cleaning out a disorganized drawer, sewing on a few buttons,  straightening a closet.  Call or write a friend to maintain that human connection with the outside world.  Finish my day with at least a half hour of quality time with my husband: thank him for being supportive, kind, patient, helpful, steady, loving, and present.  

I feel a calm overtake me.  The brain slows and contentment begins to spread.  I am becoming centered and focused.  I realize that life without a plan is unsettling.  I begin the new day with a smile, a purpose and joy.

We All Have Buttons!

I haven't written anything in a while.  There are two reasons.  The first is that I have been on a mental vacation (meaning I was suffering from writer's block and needed to take time away from my laptop to reorganize my thinking) and the other is that I was feeling overwhelmed by negative thinking and needed an attitude adjustment.

Yesterday I finally emerged from the other side of the dark cloud and feel like I can finally talk about what has gotten me down.  Obviously it goes without saying that having to care for someone with Alzheimer's is going to create some negativity but this was much worse than I had previously experienced!  I realized that all of the soul-searching and self-realization had scraped away the layers upon layers of emotions, experiences, and memories to get to the core of my emotions, thus leaving me emotionally vulnerable and raw.  My mother was doing and saying the same things she had always done but now, suddenly she was pressing all of my buttons and causing huge reactions within me.  I was bristling over and sensitive to the very things I was willing to ignore or brush off a few weeks earlier.  I was angry over things that shouldn't have bothered me but a small comment would elicit a memory and a resentment, an embarrassment or a frustration from my childhood -- something I would have repressed at the time because I was always the good little girl, the perfect daughter, the well-behaved, well-performing child.  My mother and father expected me to be perfect and so I was!  I didn't realize the toll it took until just recently.  Inside of the perfect facade was a rebellious child just screaming to get out. The other day, Mom said something and without warning it caused an internal revolution.  I was so angry, so upset, so uncontrollably miserable I had to walk out of the room to allow my 'grown-up' to take over and steady me.  Taking five deep breaths I began to meditate and engaged in an activity, that one thing that I know works well: I focused on the deepest part of my being -- that part of me that is what I consider my core.  It is my essence...the 'Me' that has no  emotion or memory, the living being that is who I was on the day I was born, the Me that knows nothing of anger, fear, rage, frustration, impatience or happiness, joy, fondness...no positives and no negatives.  It is  my energetic self.  When I reach down and find that part of me I notice something amazing.  There is something there even though I feel like I am floating and feeling nothing, I am aware of a feeling that washes over me.  It is WONDERFUL!  What is it?  I call it love.  It is pure, simple, and beautiful.  It is self-love, other love, universal love, God love.  It is now, and it is eternal.  It goes hand-in-hand with mindfulness and leads to an inner peace and a certain connectivity with everyone and everything.  (Does this sound too New Age, too Old World Hippie WooWoo?)  Well all I can say is, "Try it!"  It works wonderfully.

I am sitting at my laptop smiling and calm right now. I know that something is bound to happen to set me off again but for now I am in that loving place, that calm connected place.  There is nothing better.  My mother doesn't realize or notice the changes in my attitude but as I move through the day I am painfully aware of those times when I am short or brusque with her.  I am so much happier when I can speak kindly, gently, and patiently.  Thank Goodness I have the opportunity to perform this simple exercise that makes so much difference.