You haven't heard from me in a while. It isn't because I
haven't been writing but I have taken a break from writing about my mother and
her progressing Alzheimer's. I had to
stop focusing on it and find time to explore other things, to find my happiness
and joy. There is so much to do, so much
to experience. I wake up each morning
and dispense with my care giving duties as quickly as possible. My brain is abuzz with all of the
possibilities of the day. I want to bake
something for tea time. I think about
what I will invent...what sweet treat will bring a smile to my mother's
face. This excites me but then I also
want to get my other 'have-tos' out of the way so I can write. I NEED to write. I breathe to write. This is my passion, my love, my delight, my
fulfillment. But...
I try to write about something else. Yes! I
finish a dark thriller and am pleased with the result considering how
distracted I am. I write something quick
and humorous. It's alright, not
brilliant. I share deep thoughts that
seem sad and unfocused. I look deep
within my psyche and explore my motivations.
They ARE sad and unfocused!
Oh! It's excusable of course. Just look at our world! What a mess. The news is filled with ugliness. People are in crisis, wars continue, stress
and worry is rampant. There are riots,
murders, disasters. I am being dragged
into the darkness and sinking into its angry depths.
I try to claw my way out but there are a hundred
interruptions. I am never far from my
mother's side. I do not let the housework
and business affairs deter me from my course.
The time is precious. Each minute
must not be wasted. I am working, busy, frenzied
with one eye on every motion, every expression on my mother's face. Without realizing it the day is half over and
I have only managed to write a few sentences while the sweet treat remains as
notes on a scrap of paper by my mixer. I
am playing a game of Beat the Clock knowing full-well that my goals are
unrealistic. By the time the lunch
dishes are washed and put away it strikes me that I am too tired to bake
something. I take a break intended to
last just a few minutes but becomes an hour of listless time-wasting. I watch a travel log with my mother and know
that I will never get done.
Lost hours, days, months.
Oh how precious time can be!
I shrug and engage in inner dialogue. These days are the days to devote to other
things, to moments that create memories.
Okay then. How to do that and
maintain some balance, some joy, some personal fulfillment? I make a mental list: take 15 minutes of
quality time with Mom. Write down 5
happy thoughts...life affirming thoughts.
Do something productive that I have put off, like cleaning out a
disorganized drawer, sewing on a few buttons,
straightening a closet. Call or
write a friend to maintain that human connection with the outside world. Finish my day with at least a half hour of
quality time with my husband: thank him for being supportive, kind, patient,
helpful, steady, loving, and present.
I feel a calm overtake me.
The brain slows and contentment begins to spread. I am becoming centered and focused. I realize that life without a plan is
unsettling. I begin the new day with a
smile, a purpose and joy.
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