The Caregiver

The Caregiver
by Jessica Bryan
copyright July,2016

My mother... old...97 now, with Alzheimer's, stares blankly at the TV.

I ask her a question.  She searches futilely  for words that do not come.

I am annoyed and (unfairly) press her for an answer.

Is she the mirror reflecting my own destiny...the realization of my fears that I, to whom words are so important will someday lose them? 

Is that the source of my anger? 

Is it my inability to control what will someday be my condition just as it is hers?

I rail against it and deny my mother her limitations. 

I push her to remember, all the while berating myself for doing so. 

"She can't help it," I say silently.

 I look to others with the same illness. 

Each of them, locked in their own minds, their memories of rich lives lost. 

Loves they have known, adventures, travels, hardships...all unspoken stories, held within like small prisoners chained and screaming to be freed --

 Until they can scream no longer.

Thoughts.  Sorrowful fragments of nothing.

She sits silently.  Unremembering.

 Bile rises in my throat, uncontrollable bitterness.  Haven't I always been that way -- the one who wants to control?  That is my anger.

I remind myself over and over to show compassion, patience, understanding.

 I struggle to remain dispassionate, composed while a mix of emotions swirl with tornadic intensity within.

Then she asks a question that has already been asked and answered, ten times, twenty...thirty. 

"No more!" the voice yells from within.  Outwardly I answer with clipped harsh words knowing that she hears these for the first time and is confused as to why I am so impatient.

I walk away.  A single tear slides down my cheek.  It is not from guilt, frustration or anger. 

It is the sad tear for all of the ones already shed: the ones that mourned the loss of my mother who used to be.

Another tear: this one for the tears yet to come.

A torrent of tears:  each carries an emotion. I hug myself tightly trying desperately to control the flow but knowing that today there is no control.

I forgive myself, dry my eyes and remember my purpose.  I am a care giver.  I give...I care...

Imperfectly. 

I look in her eyes and know that I am forgiven for my imperfection, and  love rises from within me...deep and profound.

A roller coaster of feelings  climbing and plummeting; but minute to minute, day to day the knowledge that it is built upon a familiar, protective and sturdy framework of love .

Veteran's Day

Today is Veteran's Day.  When an entire nation celebrates and remembers the lives of those who served their country it can be sad for many.  I feel the pain of those who have suffered losses.  It is something that we, as humans come to expect as part of our life experience.  Yes, we experience death at some time in our lives...death of parents, of children...of spouses...loved ones and friends.  We mourn and suffer.  We miss those who are no longer with us.  There is a hole in our lives that creates an empty space that gradually fills with other things, people, and activities but there is always a small dent...a footprint  on the surface where our loved ones once walked.  Today we gaze at that footprint and remember the ones whose shoes made that impression.  We give thanks, we honor, we celebrate, we offer gratitude, we provide programs, sympathetic words, support for those who have lost loved ones.  We explain, treat, and try to understand  those who return from the wars with PTSD. We applaud, sing praises, and give parades for those who have served.

What we don't do well is to understand how to tap into that part of ourselves that feels, loves, and exists in the universal realm.  It is that part that doesn't feel loss.  It is the part that knows that there is a presence in the Universe that is always there. It was, is and will be.  It is the God, the Creator, the Universal One, the Collective Whole or whatever one's belief system chooses to call it.  It is the love that sustains us.  It is the light that illuminates.  It is the forever in our hearts and souls.  It is the buried knowledge deep within each of us...in our cellular memory that tells us that our loved ones never leave us; they simply depart from their human forms.  Their love, their legacies, remain while their energetic selves have dissipated and spread throughout the cosmos leaving only small amounts behind on Earth.

I am reminded that life is an adventure filled with pathos, achievements, sacrifices, disappointments and incredible 'highs' that keep us engaged, keep us interested, keep us working to make things better every day.  Most of all, life provides us with a little insight into what love is...what it REALLY is. I don't think that as humans we are capable of understanding  or knowing what Universal love is all about but if we try to get in touch with that part of ourselves that remembers our immortal being we will feel that love shine through.  It is a Euphoric love and feeling that is pure light. Finding that part of us today will help to cope with the losses of our loved ones.  I like to think that there is no part of who they were and who they are now that is sad or negative.  They, as the expression of life lived it exactly as it was intended and are now reviewing their great adventures.

Do I feel this?  Yes!  Am I reminded of this when I close my eyes and sleep? Yes!  It is the deep knowing that brings comfort.