Sunday

10/25 AM

A crimson sky greeted me as I awakened this morning.  I caught the sunrise at the perfect moment when it lit up the clouds and bathed them in a wash of pink and red.  It lasted only a moment but the blaze of color was breathtaking. 

I am not yet fully awake but as I sit and watch the last remnants of the sunrise--the last tinge of color,  I greedily drink in its beauty.  My eyes are averted to something happening on the ground.  A squirrel is scampering around collecting and digging to bury acorns.  He is industrious this morning.  Perhaps the chill in the air excites him to get to work and prepare for the winter.  I continue to watch; mesmerized by his movements.  Another squirrel approaches and is angrily chased away by the first squirrel who sits up on his haunches indignantly shouting so loudly that his entire body twitches.  What is he saying? Is he proclaiming that he is king of this territory; that all the acorns here are his?  I laugh inside seeing the similarities between the animal kingdom and humans. That squirrel...the varmint who eats our birdseed is suddenly a beloved little creature as I observe him from my vantage point. 

I remind myself that my purpose in taking this quiet moment is to focus, to be in the moment, and to find gratitude.  I avert my gaze and try to avoid the distractions from my window. It is impossible.  Even as I turn away, I still see the sights of the colorful trees, the morning breeze blowing the leaves, the scurrying squirrel, the verdant green of the lawn and once again I am driven to look outside. This time I focus on the tree whose leaves are a spectacular mix of green, yellow, orange and russet.  I never tire of the splendor that Fall delivers!

Ever so slowly I am aware that this morning is not going to provide me with a self-realization, a philosophical epiphany, a momentous enlightenment, an earth-shaking observation.  No.  This morning is about simplicity.  It is about finding the little things that are happening  all around me.  In the stillness things are changing, moving, transitioning, living, dying, fleeing, fighting, renewing, surviving.  It is the same inside as it is outside.  I feel it in my own body.  I think of the way we humans are designed.  The air we breathe in exchanges the fresh air for the toxins that we breathe out.  It nourishes and renews.  The blood carries the oxygen to our new cells while old cells die off and a carried away.  We are a cycle of life with each beat of our hearts, with each intake of air.

I marvel at nature's perfection and feel the gratitude grow. 

10/25 PM

It is so quiet right now...so perfect to focus on the moment.  My day has  been fraught with difficulty. I have used every ounce of self control  to keep from becoming angry, impatient, yelling, ugly, frustrated. How do I allow those insignificant moments to get to me...to press my buttons?  How do I, as an adult not have better control?  I am dealing with an illness--an ugly, sad, frustrating illness that renders my mother a child. Can't I focus on that and stop having unreal expectations from someone who has Alzheimer's? What makes me so imperfect that I react?

I have answered my own question:  I am imperfect.  Can I live with that?  Yes I can. 

Now I can focus on the good things that happened today. I baked cookies.  I kept Mom company. I began the morning with gratitude.  I will end the evening with gratitude as well.    I pause and take it in.  The peace allows for perspective.  It was another good day.  Mom did not require anything unusual.  In fact, she was totally unobtrusive.  I wanted more interaction with her and was disappointed that she was so quiet.  Most people would be happy that she was no bother.  I wanted companionship but when she offered it, I pulled away, annoyed that she couldn't hear me, frustrated because she wasn't doing anything.  Tomorrow I will find the joy in the fact that she is so easy...so happy, so pleasant.  I will celebrate each word she speaks.  I will smile and love.  I can do that.  Yes.  Maybe not with perfection, but as well as I am able. I feel the gratitude for this realization begin to take hold and spread throughout me. I am grateful for another chance to do it better tomorrow.