I didn't hear much after that. It was over. The long journey had come to an end. The finality of it hit me immediately. My mother was gone and I found myself unable to control my voice or my tears. I hung up quickly and sat stunned, eyes leaking alligator tears. Skip, my sweet husband, hugged me and comforted me but he, too was needing comforting and we clutched at each other. Moments ticked by as we processed the information. A loved one dies. It happens to everyone. 'We were expecting it. It is a relief that she is finally at peace. She's in a better place.' You know? All of the things one says...all of the things we say.
Emotion was soon replaced with rational thought. We must tell our children, our grandchildren, other family members. There was no time to grieve. I called our daughter and opened my mouth to speak the words but found only a small sob. I gulped it down and tried to speak, hesitating, telling her only the most important words and then hanging up. Our son, who was visiting from Colorado came downstairs with his girlfriend, Christina and they hugged me, sat with me, talked in quiet monotone telling me all of the things that one says at that moment. It seemed like a long time but in retrospect I realize that the moment dragged on as it often does when one is overwhelmed. In reality it was maybe only twenty or thirty minutes. Soon we were reminded of funny things, memories that made me laugh. "Remember how she tried to run over Christina's cat with her walker?"
"Yeah, she hated that cat." I smiled through my tears.
I thought about all of the stories, a lifetime of laughter. I wrote so much about my mother. I knew when I wrote, that I would someday re-read my words and gain solace when she was gone. Now I thought of my writing and was so grateful I had done it, so happy I had pushed myself when my eyelids drooped and I wanted to go to bed. This was so special now. I had memories that were permanently chronicled. In time we'd forget the little details, the small moments. I felt comforted by the fact that I would have a reminder. As raw and new as the emotions were just then, I was also reassured by this thought.
I became introspective and quiet, telling myself what I must do next. I sent everyone to bed and began my announcement which I would send out via email and social media to everyone. I dispatched my duties quickly without focusing on how bone weary I suddenly felt. The sadness had crept into my body and had worked its way into every cell. I stood up and turned off the lights not even aware that my cheeks were wet with tears. I longed for sleep, to dream of happier times, of the mother who used to be. Instead, I walked outside and looked up toward the heavens. She was gone. She lived a long, long life (one month shy of 100 years!) but it was as one small star in the sky when one considers eternity. Still, she left an indelible mark on our hearts.
The night was clear and warm. The stars twinkled brightly. There were still a few remnants of a meteor shower that had passed through and as I gazed upward a small meteor shot across the sky, it's light extinguished at the end of its journey and in that I saw what I needed to see. My mother...the bright light filled with joy, smiles, exuberance, energy, kindness, sweetness, talent, creativity, knowledge, beauty, grace, wisdom, enthusiasm, devotion and most of all love, had streaked across the sky and her light was extinguished. It was gone.
I know, I know. Humans are not forever. Their names and graves are soon forgotten save a few who have historic recognition. The billions who are here today will be forgotten tomorrow. And yet, there is something to remind us of our predecessors. They toil and teach, expand, and build upon the very foundations that created humanity. Mothers give birth and nurture their young creating a living legacy so that when their light is extinguished there are still others like stars in the sky...billions and billions of stars in the sky.
It has only been a few days to get used to being an orphan. Now I must face the future as the elderly parent. There has always been the older generation in the past and even as they died off, my mother remained. Now it is different. I am the older generation. But it was just yesterday...no...we are all just a streak in the sky.
I look at the calendar and see that it is Mother's Day tomorrow. I haven't thought about it. How will I feel? I pray that I will be a strong matriarch encouraging my children and grandchildren to carry the torch into the future as my light begins to dim. I'm not ready yet but someday...someday. For now, I think about the mother I had and I am grateful. Tomorrow I will pay tribute to her in ways I cannot guess yet. Perhaps we will tell stories and share memories. We will drink a toast to her life and shed a few tears. When they leave...when they are all gone, I will permit myself to feel the emptiness of a Mother's Day without my mother. But that will not last. My thoughts do not reside in melancholy. I look around and see her incredible influence on all of our lives, and celebrate that joyous time when her light flashed brightly...brilliantly. It lit up the room and our lives in ways that I can never truly express. She will forever be my mother...my loving, beautiful mother. Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
