I spend my days caring for my mother with additional work
responsibilities and sometimes a social call or two. My days are busy but not always
fruitful. Often, I feel disappointed and
frustrated, even angry at the end of the day.
Yesterday, after dinner, I asked
Skip to come with me to run an errand.
We took Mom of course since there is no other option. I truly would have preferred to be alone with
Skip but getting out on our own is not possible since we have to prearrange a
caregiver to come to the house. The
Summer evening was beautiful. There was
a storm building in the West and the sun glowed behind the large clouds
shooting its rays between and around them.
As we drove we remarked about the ever changing skyscape marveling at
the beauty of nature. It was a totally
rejuvenating moment. I arrived home feeling refreshed and calm. I put Mom to bed and enjoyed an entertaining
program on TV. Skip was busy answering
emails across from me in the family room but we sat companionably in the room
making small comments back and forth as the evening progressed. At bedtime I congratulated myself for
overcoming my stress.
This morning I turned on the news and heard about deaths,
tragedies, uprisings, demonstrations, political battles, violence, hardship. It was too, too much for me. I wanted to bury my head in the sand. My mother sat beside me silently. I regarded her as she repeated a behavior I
corrected. "Put your dirty Kleenex
in the trash," I counseled her for the hundredth time. She unwrapped the tissue from her finger and
placed it in the trash bag. I reminded
her just how disgusting it was for her to blow her nose and then handle the
tissue with her fingers. I was
immediately aware of how I felt: stressed and impatient. I had allowed the morning to 'get to me' and
was reacting in spite of myself. Where
was my sunset? Where was my calming and
companionable moment with my husband?
I opened my
emails. I read an email from a friend
who told me that her husband had cancer.
It was a shock almost like a slap in the face. I was stunned. So many of my friends, neighbors, and loved
ones have cancer or other life-threatening illnesses. Once moment they are fine...healthy and the
next they are told that they have been given a finite time to get their affairs
in order. It is pervasive and a constant
reminder that our days are numbered.
I began thinking about how disruptive this news would be in
one's life. Yet, when we are reminded that our lives are unpredictable,
being given the news of a terminal illness is an opportunity to change things,
to prepare, to call old friends, to make amends for things we have done that might
have been wrong. The chance to say
good-bye and to allow for closure is a way of facing our imminent death with
grace.
As I considered this I gradually came to realize that
regardless of all of the reminders, (and even my own philosophy) I had allowed
myself to become numb to the minutes and hours that I was wasting in the short
period of time I had left with my mother.
For that matter, in the overall scheme of things, there was only a short
period of time in my own life -- even if I lived to be ancient . I saw how quickly my years had passed. I wanted to hold each moment, to relish it
and celebrate it. I wanted to reach out
to everyone and tell them to do the same.
How could we waste time on petty grievances, on ugliness? Why would we want to experience or condone
negativity? THE NEWS!!! AURGH. I turned off the morning news...the invasive, omnipresent malevolent influence on my well-being and attitude. Once the news was not broadcasting it's negativity I tapped into that more positive part of me. I looked at my mother and smiled at her. I spoke gently and patiently reminding myself
that her days were counting down and unwinding.
I am once
again reminded to look at things differently...with more appreciation...with
less anger, disappointment, impatience, negativity. Yes, it is sad that
our bodies fail us, that our systems cease to operate effectively, that disease
and disabilities overcome our health. It is a reality that we all must
face but it doesn't make it any easier. All we can do is move forward
with love, care, and compassion. I want to be the person who has a zest
for living. I want to be a positive influence who will bolster and support others
regardless of their troubles, illnesses, and issues. This is my mission and my hope for others as
well.
I want
to preach my mission and yet it has all been said before. Does it bear repeating? Of course!
Over and over we say it to ourselves and to others:
'Turn off the TV, the electronic
devices, the distractions. Focus on the
people in your life, the love you feel, the nurturing, the caring, the
laughter. If it is not present, then
find it or create it. Treat each day as
if it were your last and live it to its fullest.'
We hear this message so often. Why do we not
take any action? WHY?!!! I have only to
look within myself for the answer. There
is that constant battle to maintain a light within when there is always the
temptation to succumb to the darkness that also resides there. I am bombarded by temptation to ignore the
light. I am distracted by everything
that turns my head. Vigilance...awareness...a
strong mission statement that I check and recheck keeps my journey on
course. There are stop signs along the
way and even road closures that require detours, but with the strong vision of
what I want from life, I find fulfillment and true happiness.
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