Dear God; I've been meaning to ask you....

Dear God;

I have been meaning to talk to you for a while now but recent developments have pushed me to finally do it!  I have a few questions for you.  I thought that I would wait and ask you when  I get to Heaven (that's assuming I will go to Heaven., and, uh, I guess I shouldn't presume to know that.  Oh, and I don't mean that I will actually get to talk to you; and if you are busy and stuff with running the whole Universe I can just talk to one of your assistants; but...well, never mind.  I'm just gonna lay it all out on the table now instead.)  

Anyway, I thought that maybe I could trouble you to talk about this--what with the immediacy of the situation.  Again, I understand that you are a little busy so I am happy to get the answer from one of your assistants.  But you know, it would be nice to talk to you if it's not too much trouble.

Oh, that's really nice of you to say it's no trouble at all.

So, here's the thing; I have been saying for a while now that I should ask you "What's the deal about mosquitoes and ticks? Why them?"  I mean, I can understand snakes and spiders and even some disgusting parasites,  but ticks and mosquitoes are a whole other thing.  They don't seem to have any use at all.  I usually think about this when I'm kind of busy and maybe a little annoyed. I just never seem to get around to asking though.  It seems like a kind of small thing to bother you about. But events of late have really gotten me thinking about you...wanting to talk to you.  I guess that you must have a quirky sense of humor.  I think that it can seem kinda funny when you stand outside and look at things from your perspective. But I am having some trouble seeing the humor right now.  

So, can we discuss this...Alzheimer's?  Why is that funny?  I know that my patience is being tested but honestly couldn't you just get me stuck in heavy traffic, or make me late for an appointment every once in a while?  How about letting the dog tear up the lawn or maybe just keep pestering me with random robo calls? You can add a healthy dose of gophers and voles eating our plants.  Yeah, that would be fine too, but when it's about dealing with my mother 24-7, when I am changing sheets and night clothes, when I am having to sterilize her entire room every morning; when I am dropping everything to stop her from doing something awful, eating her hearing aid, causing herself some injury, keeping her from choking on her food,  blowing her nose in her clothes, throwing up on the carpet, going to the bathroom but not going in the bathroom; yeah, that's really a test of my patience!

 Look, we already know that I'm flawed...deeply flawed.  So what are we doing here testing me?  Is it just for kicks and giggles that you gotta rub it in?  I'm sorry.  I mean no disrespect.  I accept that this is not my forte.  I am horrible at this caregiver thing.  I am learning as I go but I don't have it in me to be good at it.  I know this.  I acknowledge it.  I could tell you stories and cite examples but of course you already know.   This is all so stressful and as I am told over and over, stress kills.  

What?  WHAT?!  Are you just waiting to see how long it will take to get me to crack?!  What then?  Who takes care of Mom then?  Look, she's almost 99 years old.  Oh yeah, sorry, you know that.  I don't need to remind you.  So she deserves a nice peaceful life and not have someone pestering her to eat her veggies, drink some water, do this and don't do that.  I feel awful about telling her what to do every minute.  But without me reminding her to move, she just sits in one spot shuffling her placemat back and forth on the counter.  So what's the purpose with that?  Oh, and as long as we're on the subject of purpose, what's up with my purpose?  I'd really like to know because every time I get focused on one thing, one direction, one path I get diverted.  My days are crazy enough without constant changes, challenges, and upheavals.  Oh, sorry.  I don't mean to complain.  No, no I mean I'm really grateful to you for all you have given me.  It's just that I can't seem to see the direction all this is going and why.  

What's that?  Huh?  Ohhhh.  You mean that I don't need to figure this out alone, that we're partners in this.  Just trust in you.  I remember now.  Trust that it is all good.  Okay.  So what you're saying is to allow this to happen and the purpose will reveal itself at the right time.  Hmm.  I think I understand.  I don't need to appreciate or even know the plan.  Just like I don't need to know why the sun shines and the Earth rotates on its axis.  I just trust that it will continue and it's all good. 

Okay, Yeah. I guess that makes me feel a little better knowing that you're in charge. I'm not alone here.  No, come to think of it, actually it makes me feel a lot better...a whole lot better!  Wow, I...I feel like a heavy weight was just lifted off my shoulders.

Thanks God.  Good talk. We can discuss mosquitoes and ticks some other time.

A Strong Reminder

I spend my days caring for my mother with additional work responsibilities and sometimes a social call or two.  My days are busy but not always fruitful.  Often, I feel disappointed and frustrated, even angry at the end of the day.  Yesterday,  after dinner, I asked Skip to come with me to run an errand.  We took Mom of course since there is no other option.  I truly would have preferred to be alone with Skip but getting out on our own is not  possible since we have to prearrange a caregiver to come to the house.  The Summer evening was beautiful.  There was a storm building in the West and the sun glowed behind the large clouds shooting its rays between and around them.  As we drove we remarked about the ever changing skyscape marveling at the beauty of nature.  It was a totally rejuvenating moment. I arrived home feeling refreshed and calm.  I put Mom to bed and enjoyed an entertaining program on TV.  Skip was busy answering emails across from me in the family room but we sat companionably in the room making small comments back and forth as the evening progressed.  At bedtime I congratulated myself for overcoming my stress.

This morning I turned on the news and heard about deaths, tragedies, uprisings, demonstrations, political battles, violence, hardship.  It was too, too much for me.  I wanted to bury my head in the sand.  My mother sat beside me silently.  I regarded her as she repeated a behavior I corrected.  "Put your dirty Kleenex in the trash," I counseled her for the hundredth time.  She unwrapped the tissue from her finger and placed it in the trash bag.  I reminded her just how disgusting it was for her to blow her nose and then handle the tissue with her fingers.  I was immediately aware of how I felt: stressed and impatient.  I had allowed the morning to 'get to me' and was reacting in spite of myself.  Where was my sunset?  Where was my calming and companionable moment with my husband?

 I opened my emails.  I read an email from a friend who told me that her husband had cancer.  It was a shock almost like a slap in the face.  I was stunned.  So many of my friends, neighbors, and loved ones have cancer or other life-threatening illnesses.  Once moment they are fine...healthy and the next they are told that they have been given a finite time to get their affairs in order.  It is pervasive and a constant reminder that our days are numbered.  

I began thinking about how disruptive this news would be in one's life. Yet,  when we are reminded that our lives are unpredictable, being given the news of a terminal illness is an opportunity to change things, to prepare, to call old friends, to make amends for things we have done that might have been wrong.  The chance to say good-bye and to allow for closure is a way of facing our imminent death with grace. 

As I considered this I gradually came to realize that regardless of all of the reminders, (and even my own philosophy) I had allowed myself to become numb to the minutes and hours that I was wasting in the short period of time I had left with my mother.  For that matter, in the overall scheme of things, there was only a short period of time in my own life -- even if I lived to be ancient .  I saw how quickly my years had passed.  I wanted to hold each moment, to relish it and celebrate it.  I wanted to reach out to everyone and tell them to do the same.  How could we waste time on petty grievances, on ugliness?  Why would we want to experience or condone negativity? THE NEWS!!!  AURGH.   I turned off the morning news...the invasive, omnipresent malevolent influence on my well-being and attitude. Once the news was not broadcasting it's negativity I tapped into that more positive part of me.  I looked at my mother and smiled at her.  I spoke gently and patiently reminding myself that her days were counting down and unwinding.  

I am once again reminded to look at things differently...with more appreciation...with less anger, disappointment, impatience, negativity.  Yes, it is sad that our bodies fail us, that our systems cease to operate effectively, that disease and disabilities overcome our health.  It is a reality that we all must face but it doesn't make it any easier.  All we can do is move forward with love, care, and compassion.  I want to be the person who has a zest for living. I want to be a positive influence who will bolster and support others regardless of their troubles, illnesses, and issues.  This is my mission and my hope for others as well. 

I want to preach my mission and yet it has all been said before.  Does it bear repeating?  Of course!  Over and over we say it to ourselves and to others:  

'Turn off the TV, the electronic devices, the distractions.  Focus on the people in your life, the love you feel, the nurturing, the caring, the laughter.  If it is not present, then find it or create it.  Treat each day as if it were your last and live it to its fullest.'

We hear this message so often. Why do we not take any action? WHY?!!!  I have only to look within myself for the answer.  There is that constant battle to maintain a light within when there is always the temptation to succumb to the darkness that also resides there. I am bombarded by temptation to ignore the light.  I am distracted by everything that turns my head.  Vigilance...awareness...a strong mission statement that I check and recheck keeps my journey on course.  There are stop signs along the way and even road closures that require detours, but with the strong vision of what I want from life, I find fulfillment and true happiness.