Veteran's Day

Today is Veteran's Day.  When an entire nation celebrates and remembers the lives of those who served their country it can be sad for many.  I feel the pain of those who have suffered losses.  It is something that we, as humans come to expect as part of our life experience.  Yes, we experience death at some time in our lives...death of parents, of children...of spouses...loved ones and friends.  We mourn and suffer.  We miss those who are no longer with us.  There is a hole in our lives that creates an empty space that gradually fills with other things, people, and activities but there is always a small dent...a footprint  on the surface where our loved ones once walked.  Today we gaze at that footprint and remember the ones whose shoes made that impression.  We give thanks, we honor, we celebrate, we offer gratitude, we provide programs, sympathetic words, support for those who have lost loved ones.  We explain, treat, and try to understand  those who return from the wars with PTSD. We applaud, sing praises, and give parades for those who have served.

What we don't do well is to understand how to tap into that part of ourselves that feels, loves, and exists in the universal realm.  It is that part that doesn't feel loss.  It is the part that knows that there is a presence in the Universe that is always there. It was, is and will be.  It is the God, the Creator, the Universal One, the Collective Whole or whatever one's belief system chooses to call it.  It is the love that sustains us.  It is the light that illuminates.  It is the forever in our hearts and souls.  It is the buried knowledge deep within each of us...in our cellular memory that tells us that our loved ones never leave us; they simply depart from their human forms.  Their love, their legacies, remain while their energetic selves have dissipated and spread throughout the cosmos leaving only small amounts behind on Earth.

I am reminded that life is an adventure filled with pathos, achievements, sacrifices, disappointments and incredible 'highs' that keep us engaged, keep us interested, keep us working to make things better every day.  Most of all, life provides us with a little insight into what love is...what it REALLY is. I don't think that as humans we are capable of understanding  or knowing what Universal love is all about but if we try to get in touch with that part of ourselves that remembers our immortal being we will feel that love shine through.  It is a Euphoric love and feeling that is pure light. Finding that part of us today will help to cope with the losses of our loved ones.  I like to think that there is no part of who they were and who they are now that is sad or negative.  They, as the expression of life lived it exactly as it was intended and are now reviewing their great adventures.

Do I feel this?  Yes!  Am I reminded of this when I close my eyes and sleep? Yes!  It is the deep knowing that brings comfort.

Am I happy?

An automated phone survey from my health care provider asked me if I was happy (among other questions).  Happy?  Hmmm....well I lost lots of sleep last night with my mother's tromping around and calling out to us that she was awake.  Happy?  I was concerned over the continuing diminished mental capacity she exhibits.  Happy?  I worry about everything from hangnails to the state of the world.  Happy?  My clothes are too tight on me and I neither have the desire or will power to lose weight right now.  Happy?  I had to think about my answer.  There was no time.  The annoying Artificial Intelligence pressed me to answer.  I had to pick a number between 1 and 5.  I had to review , assess, and decide.  I replied "2".  NO!  I should have said "4!"   I wanted to explain.  I wanted to talk to a real person and tell her about my life.  I wanted to be heard.    I yearned for the opportunity to say what was troubling me.

"You see, it's my mother," I wanted to tell the computerized voice.  "She's  got Alzheimer's.  It's very difficult for us right now.  We take care of her.  We handle all of her needs.  It is very sad to watch her gradual decline and to be truly happy."

"Have you experienced depression in the past month?"

"Well of course I have!  Didn't I just tell you about my mother?"

"Have you had thoughts of suicide in the past month?"

"Now you're just being silly.  Life is too important.  I have way too much to live for.  I have a wonderful life.  Oh sure there are some speed bumps but I am so fortunate to have a loving family, a fantastic husband,  health, a good mind (some might dispute this!) and a perfect memory.  (Okay...I took artistic license here.)

"Have you been hospitalized, suffered a heart attack; do you have diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure?  Has your husband left you for another woman...a younger, cuter, thinner model?  Are you able to take yourself to the grocery store, to meetings, to the bathroom?  Are you totally dependent on someone else? Are you sitting on a street corner begging for food?  Are you fearful that you might awaken to bombs exploding around you? Are you an orphan? Are you wandering in the wasteland eating grub worms?"

"Oh my God!  Stop already.   I get it.  I am a 5 on the happiness scale.  I'm sorry.  I was mistaken.  I AM happy!  I don't care if I miss a little sleep to be able to spend more time with my mother.  I don't care if she annoys me with some of her bad habits and lack of understanding.  It really doesn't matter because I know that I am getting an opportunity that many do not have. I cherish the moments I still have with her.  Happy? Yes.  Grateful?  Yes...very, very grateful.

My week long project!

Wednesday 10/21

I took just a moment to be...to just be.  I relaxed and focused my attention in a room filled with noises.  My mother was chewing loudly in the kitchen.  Normally this would irritate me but today it reminded me of the love I have for her.  This sweet woman who was my very best friend deserves to chew loudly.  She has earned the right to do exactly as she chooses.  She has been there for me all of my life.  She has cared for me, sacrificed for me, listened to me, and 'endured' me.  It is time for me to return the favor.  I know the term pay it forward (and I do that) but I need to remember to pay it back as well.  She will not ask.  She would NEVER ask! She is the 'giver' and always has been.  Even now, she wants to do for herself.  I will help her...gently and carefully, with respect, care, and love.  Yes!  She deserves that.  She has earned that. 

I am reminded of all of the work she has created for me.  I think about this for a moment and remember how it was when my children were young.  That was work too.  I did complain but took it in stride as part of my life decision.  Hard work is not the issue.  It is the joy I receive from being able to care for another human being. 

The new puppy?  Yes...that was lots of hard work too.  There were messes to clean up but there were also many reasons to find laughter, smiles, joy, and pleasure.

Life is filled with interesting twists and turns.  There are myriad challenges.  Today, I am grateful for the challenge and thankful for the fact that it comes in a cute little package of a sweet old woman filled with the innocence of a young child with no memory of past hurts or grievances, no grudges, and no hidden agendas.  She wears a smile on her face and sits quietly.  She doesn't interrupt. She moves to the family room and sits off to the side waiting...waiting...waiting.  She doesn't ask for anything.  I offer to turn on the TV and she thanks me appreciatively.  I turn to her and give her a quick hug and tell her I love her.  Her face is transformed immediately.  It is total and unconditional love.  I can learn so much from her.

10/22

I was trying to take a minute to focus on the moment and while doing so, was competing with all of the noises of the household.  It was frustrating and annoying.  I focused instead on my inner feelings.  There was an agitation that was building up inside my body.  I could feel the constriction in my chest and a tightness in my stomach.  Until I had taken inventory of my feelings I was unaware of the stress I was feeling.  I did a quick  deep breathing exercise to relax.  It made a world of difference.  I began to realize the importance of doing this.  In a far more relaxed state, I was able to pay less attention to the distractions.  I began to appreciate all that was causing the noise.   I thought about silence for a moment.  (It is highly overrated.)  Having the noise, the bustle, the activity is lively, invigorating and challenging.  How much better it is than being bored!  I like to challenge myself...to continue to grow and learn.  I am grateful to have a life that is interesting, and active.  How terrible it would be to live with monotony! Staying home more these days, I have an opportunity to observe what it could be like to sit for hours upon hours with nothing to do, and know that I will always look for things that will keep my mind occupied, my thoughts stimulated, and my life filled with myriad sounds, distractions, activities, and problems to solve.  There is nothing bad about problems.  It keeps my mind working...looking for solutions...finding ways to work things out.  I am grateful for everything that life has to offer.

I am reminded of the expression (something I used just the other day)  "Life Happens".  This can be used as an excuse or as a celebration.  Today I choose to use it in a positive way. Yes...life happens!  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I am thankful for my life.  I embrace it--all of it even the lowest of lows.  It reminds me that I AM alive.  I AM learning and improving every day.  I AM surviving.   I look back at where I was...how easy things were, and feel a sense of accomplishment.  There is a certain exhilaration in knowing that I can do this. Oh yes, I will complain, grumble and rant sometimes.  However, I am glad I can stop for just one minute to notice how far I have come.

Sunday

10/25 AM

A crimson sky greeted me as I awakened this morning.  I caught the sunrise at the perfect moment when it lit up the clouds and bathed them in a wash of pink and red.  It lasted only a moment but the blaze of color was breathtaking. 

I am not yet fully awake but as I sit and watch the last remnants of the sunrise--the last tinge of color,  I greedily drink in its beauty.  My eyes are averted to something happening on the ground.  A squirrel is scampering around collecting and digging to bury acorns.  He is industrious this morning.  Perhaps the chill in the air excites him to get to work and prepare for the winter.  I continue to watch; mesmerized by his movements.  Another squirrel approaches and is angrily chased away by the first squirrel who sits up on his haunches indignantly shouting so loudly that his entire body twitches.  What is he saying? Is he proclaiming that he is king of this territory; that all the acorns here are his?  I laugh inside seeing the similarities between the animal kingdom and humans. That squirrel...the varmint who eats our birdseed is suddenly a beloved little creature as I observe him from my vantage point. 

I remind myself that my purpose in taking this quiet moment is to focus, to be in the moment, and to find gratitude.  I avert my gaze and try to avoid the distractions from my window. It is impossible.  Even as I turn away, I still see the sights of the colorful trees, the morning breeze blowing the leaves, the scurrying squirrel, the verdant green of the lawn and once again I am driven to look outside. This time I focus on the tree whose leaves are a spectacular mix of green, yellow, orange and russet.  I never tire of the splendor that Fall delivers!

Ever so slowly I am aware that this morning is not going to provide me with a self-realization, a philosophical epiphany, a momentous enlightenment, an earth-shaking observation.  No.  This morning is about simplicity.  It is about finding the little things that are happening  all around me.  In the stillness things are changing, moving, transitioning, living, dying, fleeing, fighting, renewing, surviving.  It is the same inside as it is outside.  I feel it in my own body.  I think of the way we humans are designed.  The air we breathe in exchanges the fresh air for the toxins that we breathe out.  It nourishes and renews.  The blood carries the oxygen to our new cells while old cells die off and a carried away.  We are a cycle of life with each beat of our hearts, with each intake of air.

I marvel at nature's perfection and feel the gratitude grow. 

10/25 PM

It is so quiet right now...so perfect to focus on the moment.  My day has  been fraught with difficulty. I have used every ounce of self control  to keep from becoming angry, impatient, yelling, ugly, frustrated. How do I allow those insignificant moments to get to me...to press my buttons?  How do I, as an adult not have better control?  I am dealing with an illness--an ugly, sad, frustrating illness that renders my mother a child. Can't I focus on that and stop having unreal expectations from someone who has Alzheimer's? What makes me so imperfect that I react?

I have answered my own question:  I am imperfect.  Can I live with that?  Yes I can. 

Now I can focus on the good things that happened today. I baked cookies.  I kept Mom company. I began the morning with gratitude.  I will end the evening with gratitude as well.    I pause and take it in.  The peace allows for perspective.  It was another good day.  Mom did not require anything unusual.  In fact, she was totally unobtrusive.  I wanted more interaction with her and was disappointed that she was so quiet.  Most people would be happy that she was no bother.  I wanted companionship but when she offered it, I pulled away, annoyed that she couldn't hear me, frustrated because she wasn't doing anything.  Tomorrow I will find the joy in the fact that she is so easy...so happy, so pleasant.  I will celebrate each word she speaks.  I will smile and love.  I can do that.  Yes.  Maybe not with perfection, but as well as I am able. I feel the gratitude for this realization begin to take hold and spread throughout me. I am grateful for another chance to do it better tomorrow.

In the Moment

In the Moment:

10/24

I arose from too little sleep to the aroma of freshly brewed coffee.  My day was beginning too early but the coffee beckoned me with a warm and welcoming fragrance that assured me that my world would be brighter with a jolt of caffeine.  Sipping from my mug, I began to take stock of my circumstances, my attitude, my inner and outer environment, and my emotional state.  I waited.  There was nothing noteworthy.  Everything was status quo.  Aside from a dull headache that I attributed to lack of sleep, I felt fine.  Nothing hurt, nothing bothered me. My attitude was neutral.  The room was neither too hot nor too cold.  I was in the moment and there was nothing to report...nothing to note.  I continued to sit, to wait, to explore.  NOPE...Nothing!  It was like I was in meditative block (like writer's block, only more philosophical).  My brain was quiet.  My inner voice was silent.

I was struck by the peacefulness of this state of being.  How restful it was not to be thinking of anything at all.  I enjoyed the quiet as I drank my coffee...my rich, warm coffee.  It was such a pleasure  to sit without being accosted by the blaring television and burdened by negative morning news.  I closed my eyes and floated in this state of blissful being...just sitting and doing nothing, totally detached from everything.  It only lasted a short while but it was luxurious, decadent, self-indulgent and wonderful.  Too soon, footsteps signaled that my mother was awake and needing assistance; my husband was ready to take the dog out; it was time to prepare breakfast.  Too soon the sounds of the morning activity intruded my inner sanctum with the urgency of beeping alarms to announce that the toast was ready, that the microwave had heated something, that an email had arrived on my computer.  Too soon, the room was filled with faces...people that needed, wanted, love, laughed, enjoyed, shared, and emoted.  I changed my focus to them and felt the moment shift to the deep commitment I had made to be part of their lives.  Detachment is only good for a moment. It allows me to revive, renew, and refresh.  But the need to be tethered to a family and to a purpose is very strong in me.  I took a deep energizing breath--a yoga breath, the kind that fills the body from top to bottom, and began my day with a certain resolve that clearly held the traces of gratitude.