From the Trenches (As a Caregiver)

Most of you know, as a care giver for someone with Alzheimer's I find writing a way of coping. I write about my experiences from a very personal point of view. Each day is different filled with sad and sometimes funny stories. By chronicling the journey I hope that I can help others who are also care givers and who feel alone in their experience; who feel like they have no one to tell their innermost feelings; who berate themselves for their negativity; who harbor deep frustration and anger; who feel like they are at their wits end. Today, I share my daily experience:
It begins early this morning. The shuffling and stomping awakens me -- back and forth, back and forth. Mindless repetition. I hear the bathroom door open and close. How many times? Five? Six?
There is coughing, the clearing of the throat; then there is silence . For a moment I wonder if she has gone back to bed. All too soon the footsteps begin again and I realize that she had stopped to read one of the many signs posted in her room...the reminders to stay in bed until 7 AM...the reminders that she does not heed. I hear her rustle the paper knowing that she has picked up the sign to read it slowly, methodically, and without any understanding. Soon she will call to us. I am awake now -- fully awake and at the ready to bolt upstairs when she announces loudly over the monitor, "I'M AWAKE!"
I listen for the tell-tale sign that she will break her silence. She coughs and clears her throat one more time and then calls to us. I am not ready. I feel my impatience and irritation. It is too early. Why doesn't she look at the clock? I know the answer. She doesn't comprehend. Still, the irritation and resentment are building. I work to erase these emotions from my brain. I bury them but do not remove them. I take a moment to center myself and find my love, my reminder of my humanity. This is my mother. MY MOTHER!!! I remind myself of how much I have loved this woman. Where is she? Where did she go? Is part of her still with us? "Yes," I tell myself. She is in my memories. With that reminder, I find my patience, my love, my understanding, my compassion.
I take a deep, cleansing, validating breath. A smile spreads on my face and I walk up the stairs to greet her. I count each of the 17 steps. With each I repeat my mantra: 'smile and feel your love. Smile and feel your love.' One...two...three...four...five... (All the way up!) She is standing at the door waiting for me patiently. "Good morning," she announces cheerily. "I'm so glad to see you. You always have such a nice smile on your face."
I smile back and return the morning greeting. My day begins.